How I remind myself of the privilege I have.

I can think of a friend after friend who had a significant loss in recent years or recent months. Our Holiday can be a time that brings back the warmest memories of all the special moments, but at the same time, our Holidays can bring back the most painful or sorrowful thoughts to us. The reminder of the definite absence of your loved ones are never felt deeper than the time of the holiday season. I think of my dear friend in Japan who lost her first born to a condition not consistent with life some years ago. Then, I remember the tough fight fought by a sweet friend who succumbed to an aggressive cancer a month before Christmas only a few years ago. Or another family mourn the death of their youngest one who perished unexpectedly leaving the legacy that is irreplaceable. Humanly speaking,  it is very hard to imagine what would possess anyone, even God to send his only son to die for others.  Because we know the pain of the loss human heart feels, it is unbearable to imagine what happened at Christmas.

Tonight, I am not able to articulate very well, except to say that I am grateful that my schedule has freed me to travel to New England to spend time with a dear family. This family has become a family to me the time I landed on the US soil back in 1987.  The prognosis of illness cast a shadow over the precious family during this season.  Time is a precious treasure given as gift for a purpose.  How often do we forget that time we have here is not for forever.  

My Christmas 2002 gave me a tremendous experience. I was not sure if I would have the next Christmas, in a sense.  I was in the second phase of the 4 phase treatment at Vanderbilt cancer canter when Christmas arrived.   The daily radiation and twice a week Chemo therapy filled my days not leaving much time, energy, sanity or finances for ordinary Christmas activity to prepare for that season.  Strangely, my heart was at peace and I was thankful, I mean extremely grateful for the preciousness of my family, especially my husband and our son. When you are faced with the eternity, all you truly recognize is the intangible grace that is abundant in your life that you always took for granted. It was a time to reflect the meaning of worth. What is worth living for and dying for? Every Christmas, my memory takes me back to the days commuting to the hospital daily for my treatment.

One day, I was at the Post Office waiting in a line.  A young man who was irritated with the post office staff yelled in frustration for the seemingly long wait. Then others began showing agitation as well. My first thought was that "Should I rip off my wig to calm everyone down?  " Well, I did not.  For a semi Type A soul, the year of treatment was a dose of drug to teach me the patience that I needed (and I still have not mastered) and the grace for life that I did not have.  

I saw beauty of love that family and friends offered us.  I felt the generosity of those who wanted to walk with me through it. No hair bad hair days made me swear never to complain about not so perfect hair cut.  I did purpose in my heart daily that I would do cancer in style! I enjoyed picking which of the 4 hair cut/wig I was going to wear each day.  I named each one, Donna, Karen, and such. Having to learn to draw eyebrow made me grateful for even an unshapely formed natural eyebrow.  I also told someone that I would never complain of getting old or having another birthday until I turn 70.  Not being able to taste delicate flavor in my mouth because of Chemo gave me a new appreciation for GOOD FOOD.  I feared that my taste buds were permanently dead.  Some part of me never recovered but my taste buds seem to be well alive and kicking. Sometimes, definite limitation was felt no matter how stylish of a cancer I wanted to play it out. Due to the low red blood cell counts I would feel spent only after a minor physical activity such as attempting to sweep or vacuum the small house.  Nausea prevented me to be able to drive comfortably more than 10 minutes.  Sometimes, my son would throw a curious comment from the back seat, "are you sick again? ".  It made me aware of how wonderfully and fearfully human body is made and how imperfect this world is.  

In May of 2003, at the end of the course, many of my friends who cheered from the sideline all the way met me at the finish line to share the relief and joy.  I thought many times during that time, whether my finish line was on earth or possibly in heaven,  walking on this earth with my family and friends was a privilege that I would cherish.  Every Christmas or Birthday is a time to reflect what it was that I valued that year. As my life appeared to have become stable as far as the health issues are concerned, there is not a day go by that I don't think about the what if factor.  What is joyful should not change whether you are well or ill.  In the midst if illness, I was given peace and joy and hope for the future. May this Christmas be extra precious for all of my friends and family no matter where they may be or what life's challenge they are facing. May Joy and Peace that are only possible because of Christmas be with all of us during this season and always.