Moment of NO Inspiration!

I began writing a few times these last few weeks and each time, I somehow became entangled with other concerns. I just did not seem to have the inspiration long enough to carry me through one title. Now, this sounds terribly familiar. I went through a few years where I had an inspiration for oil painting. I am afraid it has been almost two years since I painted anything worth hanging on my wall. I made a few small scale attempts but neither of them panned out. Well, most recent desperate attempt to manage a brush and paint ended with a newly repainted office in my house, solidly painted in olive green. My inspiration has left me.

Then I realized that when my mind is immersed in certain project such as writing on relatively complex nursing or medical issues, my artistic element retrieves to the background. It is like the word inspiration does not belong to my dictionary anymore. Today, I spent 8 hours staring at lines and lines of Japanese characters that are arranged in stacked rows. Now that I am looking at the English words and sentences, my synapses appear to be having a total chaos and complete disconnection.

So, how do Europeans do it, I mean going back and forth between two, three or four languages?

Now, I have a grave concern. If I wear myself out so much in my attempt to write a paper in Japanese that my precious moments of inspiration don't visit me anymore, what would happen in say, 20 years once my aging takes over me and my brain begins to deteriorate? Would I be able to carry on my bilingual operation? Or would one weakens and leave another to be more dominant? If one language side diminishes its ability more, which would that be?

In my old age, would I be able to think in both? Would my mind be so confused that I would not benefit from either language? I hope I will at least feel the inspiration of music even if I could not understand the meaning of language one day. I know, it is a grave thought but it is very real concern. Being treated to those moments with unexpected inspiration is priceless.

Every inspiration comes from within but it is always triggered by something special. That something has been anything from a stillness of the air, brightness of my precious child's eyes, or pureness of the scent off a flower. A magnificent view from the top of the cliff, layers of colors in the sky, delicate frequencies of sound may create other moments of inspiration for me. But I never know when any of these moment would touche my soul or whatever it is that the inspiration is supposed to trigger. I guess that is why it is called inspiration. An inspiration surprises you when you are least expecting.

So, it is time to leave my poor brain alone for a little while from heavy "stuff" such as the 10, 000 character long paper I just submitted. My brain is exhausted and it is depleted of my creative element. In another word, I am spent. I am convinced that I would rather not go back to pursuit doctorate definitely. I have written and done quite a large amount of work this last 12 months that it felt at times that I had been enrolled in a graduate program with the focus of policy and advocacy issues in health care. Much of the work required mimic what I did at vanderbilt for some of the classes, except what I did this past year was much bigger in ever possible way or scale. The fact that I managed and produced useful information probably mean that I may have what it requires of me to get through yet another degree program. But, my recent lack of inspiration made me see that I am not equipped to do that. Is it just what they call writer's block? Maybe.

I am extremely fortunate to have a supportive spouse who puts up with me while I get in the intensely involved mode. I know I am not always easy to live with when my thought is immersed in nothing but complex and intense challenges of the world beyond the big pond. But I think he knows that I feel a sense of obligation and also a mission or he just goes with the flow because he knows there is no use in trying to interrupt?

Thanks to the frozen dinner, my family is eating, although I have not cooked since Sunday. Well, tonight, I am going to bake home made pizza. It would be therapeutic to play withe the pizza dough. Oh, yes, I also need to get my Happy Music CD dug up from somewhere. My family knows what that means!!!

How would I get my inspiration back? I would know in my heart when it makes its surprise visit at my door. I may have a bit more interesting topic to share. For now, I will share a painting I did a few years ago. An amateur photographer friend's work inspired me that day. I could feel the chills in the air that froze the branches of the willow tree.